And so the JOURNEY begins . . .
Well, I’m finally doing it, sitting down to right my weekly blog. This will be entry #1. This is something I have ‘talked’ about doing for maybe, hmmm, 2 years now. It is funny how things in life when not in the proper focus have a way to bump things off your planned ‘to do’ list. This is a new year with a new focus for me. I’m hoping this blog will capture my new journey in an authentic way.
What journey do you ask? This is NOT one that involves planes, trains, and automobiles, but rather a life journey. A journey that I know will involve a lot of soul searching and personal growth that in the end will change my life and that of my family forever. Sounds like a pretty important journey, which is probably why, I’m a bit scared.
Here it comes. The honestly with myself or maybe its allowing myself to see what is really inside of me. I guess that is why it is ‘easy’ to reschedule my blog writing, that way I don’t have to be ‘real’ with myself. But NOW I’m READY!
I’m ready for some real life changes. That has been tricky for me because I’ve felt that if I want things to be ‘better’ in my life that must mean that I’m not appreciating the things I currently have. It seems like a real tug-of-war inside me. But I’ve finally come to the appreciation that I can have BOTH! What a novel concept, it’s not a choice where I have to pick just ONE. I can truly appreciate and be grateful for what I have in my life and at the same time desire for things to improve and grow. Seems so simple, why I got hung up on that I don’t know, kinda embarrassing. But this is all about being authentic, right :/
It seems like before moving forward on my journey, I have to give homage to my current life. It really is quite amazing. I am fortunate enough to have an amazing husband and two wonderful children (no changes need to be made with them for sure!). During the week I have a JOB. Now this JOB is a great one, it really is. It’s one that provides our family with enough money to get by with a little more than a ‘squeak’, but not much. This JOB does come with some other great perks: summers off, a fall break off, winter break off, and a spring break off. Plus, I get to work within my neighborhood and see my amazing daughter in the hallways. I’m sure you are like, dang girl you got it good! I know, right! I do! But I want MORE! I know at first it sounds greedy, hence all the emotional tug-of-war that has plagued my life for too darn long!
But I want to be in control of my time, like really in control. I’ve always been a bit of a control freak and a bit, just a bit OCD, so it’s not a far stretch that I need to control time too. See I’ve had the pure pleasure of spending 2 amazing weeks with my family on winter break. It has been one of our best breaks together ever. And tomorrow morning at 7:55 am, I have to leave them and go back to my JOB. As my eyes swell with tears, I’m saddened by the fact that I have not traveled this journey in past years already, so I would no longer have to go to the JOB, but I never let myself deal with the internal ‘crap’ so I could truly move forward. So being the emotional person and eater that I am, I’m typing, crying, and of course just polished off my daughter’s chocolate cookies (here’s hoping out of sight out of mind for her). You know its funny, I’ve spent my life trying to control so much that is out of my control, and never gave the one thing that I can control the time it deserves, and that is ME. The ONLY thing that I can control is ME, my actions, my thoughts, my choices, just me. Its such a humbling thought and kinda relieving at the same time. I really only need to worry about controlling me. Sorry, I diverted a bit, I’m sure that wont be the last time.
So I was talking about my time. See, as great as it is to have all the breaks during the year, I only get 2 days to take when I want to. So we have family coming into town this week and my family will all be doing fun things together, but I cant. Cuz my JOB controls my TIME not ME. At least not YET!
In additional to controlling my time, I want to control my INCOME. I know that is a crazy one. See most of us don’t control our income, our JOB decides what they think our time is worth. Call me crazy, but yes I think my time is worth a lot more than what they think it is worth. My JOB pays me in a salary but they also pay me in the opportunity to help children be more successful. That is a GREAT perk of the JOB, it really is, but it doesn’t take my family to Disneyland, pay for a bigger car, or a bigger house. It makes me feel good to make a difference in a child’s life, but I want to make a bigger difference in my OWN children’s lives. Gosh, with more income I can have the opportunity to do more good with my own children. We can buy and pass out blankets to people who need a lending hand in the winter, we can buy toys and surprise the kids in the hospital, we can go out there and do more good in the world because we have the extra funds to make it happen. Now that would feel pretty dang good too!
Another thing I want to control is who I spend my time with. I get to work with some great, amazing people. But they are overworked and underpaid. And that joy in the JOB wears thin pretty quick. I’ve found that people who are also in control of their time, finances, and people they surround themselves with, are pretty darn happy, positive people. Man who wouldn’t be. You are in control of your life, living the DREAM. I love to be around positive, happy people because they rub off on me and it is so much easier to be positive and happy myself.
I know it sounds like a tall order to be in control of my time, finances, and coworkers, but its NOT. See I have found the way to have all 3 and more. Isn’t it crazy that I have had the ‘key’ for 6 years, and really haven’t put it into action yet. Sounds crazy to me but its true. I know that I’ve allowed my inner demons, if you will, to keep me from doing what it takes to create the life of my dreams. I’ve created all kinds of excuses instead of just getting ‘real’ with myself. Allowing myself to be ‘real’ and not perfect is a challenge, but it is so over needed. My hopes are this blog will give me the opportunity to show my ‘real’ side while I travel the journey to the life of my dreams, well how about the life of my dreams 2.0. I do have a life many would dream of, I just want to take it up a couple of notches.
With that said, I have to get myself into action! First things first, take the laundry out of dryer cuz it just buzzed, and then make my to-do list so I can get all the ‘stuff’ out of my head and into a manageable list that I can control ;)
This week, well month, is going to be one that will push me and stretch my limits. I have a lot of growing to do, which means my comfort zone really needs to explode to get done what I want. I’m going to need to stay focused (huge challenge for me), in action, and control just ME. Here we go!
And so the journey begins . . . .